Hans Marco, a retired male model has moved to Riverview in pursuit of a quieter life. He has it all, money, good looks, and charm. But will that be enough to get by in this new town? Can a city slicker adjust to the slower pace of life in Riverview, where nobody knows his name, let alone his illustrious past?
His challenges begin when the small one bedroom house he bought in order to maintain anonymity is taken over by squatters. His house is covered in garbage and crawling with rats. He attempts to clean up the rubbish, but he finds himself freaking out every time he touches a trash bag. A pampered life has not prepared Hans for these mundane challenges.
Just when it looks like Hans is going to spend the rest of his life doing a dance of disgust in the front garden, a beautiful angel appears in the form of Jane Dotner, a professional maid. Hans immediately forgets about the rats crawling over his feet and tries to chat her up.
Meanwhile, the neighbors have shown up to check out the newcomer. Suffice to say, they don’t seem impressed by the filthy house and lack of furnishings.
The volunteer maid leaves and Hans attempts to clean up his house, but it soon becomes apparent that he is unable to do so without panicking. He calls for paid maid services, but they fail to arrive that night, leaving him dancing about in his empty living room and searching the fridge for something to satiate his hunger. Even when he does find some food, he is sadly unable to eat it because he’s so freaked out by his own house.
Eventually I take pity on him before he actually dies of fear and send him to the local fire station, where a quick meal and a bed are always available – even to visitors. Hans finally gets some rest by 2 am, at which point the Sims 3 prompts me to ‘Share the Memory’ of Hans getting so tired he decided that just about anywhere would be a good place to sleep. This memory comes with a smiley face attached, proving once and for all that this game was coded by sociopaths. What next? ‘Hans Marco will always remember how it felt being set on fire. Smiley face.’
In the middle of the night, whilst fast asleep, Hans decides that what he really wants in life is a dryer. He also wants to be more charismatic and join the political career, but mostly he wants a dryer. 9 am Monday morning comes and goes and Hans sleeps on undisturbed because nobody appears to actually work at Riverview fire station.
He gets up, has a shower and gets breakfast without being disturbed. At this point Hans realizes he never actually has to go home, he can just live on as the sole occupant of the fire station, completely undisturbed by anyone. This makes him so happy that he decides to read a book.
I send him home in time just to find the maid having traipsed up at 2:30 pm in the afternoon and recycling newspapers, ignoring the filth and stench around her. She then charges Hans 125 simoleons and leaves his house crawling with rats and trash.
The only way to fix this problem was to take away Hans’ free will (as his free will was freaking the heck out almost non stop) and force him into a mindless trance in which he shooed away rats and clean up the garbage in something of a dissociative state. Instead of freaking out, he walked around the house with an eerily blank look in his eyes, his facial expression revealing nothing at all.
Next time… Redecoration.