IN A WORLD AT WAR, YOU CANNOT BUY WEAPONS (EXCEPT FOR ARROWS)

Hyrule 2017 is a world in which weaponry has no value and cannot be bought or sold, which is a bit weird considering all the monsters literally everywhere dropping their guts. It also can’t be made. It can, however, be destroyed in 5-6 hits. Which is why the knights of old used to go around with wagonloads of swords because swords are known for shattering into a million pieces after the third enemy they encounter.

The exception to this is arrows, which can be bought. Because, of course, reasons.

FAIRIES NEED YOUR MONEY

Fairies run on rupees, because without money, what is the point of faith. Giant scantily dressed ladies appearing from the center of watery floral ponds to upgrade your armor is no way to run a kingdom. Which is fine, because Hyrule isn’t actually run as a kingdom because:

NOBODY IS IN CHARGE

Hyrule had a king once, but then Ganon came and now it’s just perpetual chaos, which is fine because everybody sits at home in their villages or sometimes their circus tent stables, which brings me to the ULTIMATE BREATH OF THE WILD SECRET:

MONSTERS ARE AFRAID OF CLOWNS

This is why even though there are always hordes of monsters around every stable, they leave the people inside alone. It’s not the flimsy fabric keeping them out. It’s the possibility of clowns.

RAIN!

The sole purpose of rain seems to be to ruin the experience for the player. It serves no useful purpose, can’t be gotten around, makes climbing impossible (and as BOTW is basically climbing simulator 2017, that’s a problem) and you can’t even wait it out with a fire unless you’ve got a sheltered spot. Which you probably don’t. Also, it rains more in BOTW than it does in Britain. And that’s problematic. Most of the NPCs should be suffering from mood disorders based on lack of vit D.

THE BLOOD MOON GLITCH

Linkkk… Link… the blood moon is rising again….

For the twelfth time in ten minutes. I have seen the blood moon rise at every possible time of the day, sometimes several times in a row. The obtrusive, unskippable cut scene doesn’t help either. We get it, the monsters are back.

CUT SCENES

Hey, if you want to cook a meal, you have to listen to the doobly doo wavy lines music after every dish. Have 90 stamella shrooms that you’d really like to turn into stamina food? Well, that will be 18 doobily doos for you to sit through, and the ‘x’ to skip button just gives you an annoying black screen, so that’s much the same thing.

OOHHH… OHHHH… AHHH…

I get that there isn’t room on the cartridge for a bunch of voice acting, but an acceptable substitute isn’t getting voice actors to sigh, gasp and chuckle and then play them at random. If I’m selling 20 items, I don’t need a squeaky voiced ‘oooohhh’ ‘aaaah’ after every item. I also wanted to throw the old man off the tower every time he said ‘oho ho’. Shut. Up. Already

Speaking of annoying noises:

Zelda’s overly breathy high pitched voice makes me want to let Ganon just eat her already.

And…

THE SHEIKAH SLATE BOUNCES WITH EVERY STEP

You can’t take a truly quiet step in this game because apparently Link runs around with a heavy slate clanking against his hip repeatedly. He wears the Sheikah slate like a 90’s flip phone. Dork.

GANON IS THE END (Spoiler?)
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Play classic Pokemon Red right inside Minecraft! No mods are necessary for this game, just your regular vanilla install will work. Download the map, install as usual and play Pokemon red. The creator of this map has been building the game since 2015, recreating every part of it using the Minecraft command block system. The power of Minecraft has never been so obvious!

Download Minecraft Pokemon Red here!

1. Catch a Hylian Bass in the water near the first tower.
2. Go to the forest and shoot a boar for some fresh meat.
3. Hot peppers can be found near the gate to the icy frozen area.

Combine these three ingredients into a dish for the Old Man, then give it to him. He will give you the doublet in return.

Don’t know how to cook in Zelda? Here’s how to cook in Zelda.

Stuck behind the bars with the ice pillar temple? You can use the ice pillar talent not just to raise pillars of ice for their own sake, but you can also raise pillars of ice under other objects. So if you’re stuck at a barred gate, try raising an ice pillar beneath it!