Step 1: Purchase the DLC in hopes that Ballad of the Champions means more than a few short cut scenes which add nothing to the experience of the game whatsoever. (Prepare to be disappointed.)

Step 2: Place the Sheikah slate back in the chamber of resurrection.

Step 3: Scream in horror as the korok trials music starts playing and the game informs you that you’ll be fighting a bunch of enemies who can one shot you. Realize how deeply you’ve been ripped off, betrayed and generally suckered in.

Step 4: Leave the Great Plateau, stock up on ancient arrows and snipe your way through, opening up four more TEDIOUS SHRINES!

Step 5: Complete the four TEDIOUS SHRINES to unlock TWELVE MORE TEDIOUS SHRINES across the world.

Step 6: Be forced to listen to FOUR MORE SHITTY ACCORDION SONGS AT LEAST.

Step 7: Coming soon (spoiler: it will be shitty.)

After waiting months and months for the hotly anticipated release of the Champions Ballad, the second part of the Breath of the Wild DLC, I can reveal that it’s less DLC and more Nintendo’s evil plan to force you to listen to shitty accordion music while playing through variations of the least fun parts of the game over and over again in return for a lore-destroying motorbike. Any questions? No. Good.

Ever wanted to attend a therapy session that ran for two hours and seventeen minutes with a pseudo Buddhist agenda? Well, now you can. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 doesn’t even bother to thinly veil their metaphors, they outright have the hero forced to destroy Ego with the help of feelings in order to save the universe.

Our hero doesn’t know who his father is, having been born to a single mother and then snatched off the planet to become a galaxy defender. But it turns out he can hold infinity crystals without dying (GG1) which leads his father to finally find him after thirty or so years. His father explains to him that he is a celestial (ie, God) who created another celestial (Andy from Parks and Rec) in order to not be alone. His father also tells him that his name is Ego. Of course.

So our hero is now literally Jesus, with Ego as god.

Of course, the god father turns out to be evil, and Andy’s true family come to his aid, along with a cute girl with antennae on her head who is capable of putting ego to sleep with feelings. I guess subtlety isn’t something you find in modern movie making. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 makes The Matrix’s tale of the god king Neo look like a delicately woven parable.

When ego is finally destroyed, every other evil person in the story turns out to just want to be loved. Because there’s no such thing as evil aside from ego. Apparently.

If you like shitty ‘I did two papers in psychology’ babble sledgehammered into your brain in place of actual plot, I can recommend Guardians of the Galaxy 2, 10/10.

Rain always seems to come at precisely the wrong time in Zelda, Breath of the Wild. Weather is a greater nemesis than Ganon, for sure. Ganon will mess with you for a few minutes at best. Rain will assault your gaming experience for hours at a time.

So how do you stop the rain?

Well, you don’t. Unlike other games which contain the Ocarina, which can be used to summon storms and send them on their way, the Link of Breath of the Wild is not a musical fellow whatsoever.

You have three choices if you are caught halfway up or down a cliff when it starts to rain.

1. Spam the jump button like crazy, offsetting some of the backsliding. This will work if you’re only a little ways away from your destination. It will absolutely not work under other circumstances.

2. Find a sheltered spot, start a fire, and wait until the next morning. I find that quite often this results in a brief period of respite before the rain begins again, because this game is innately evil.

3. Fast travel across the map and do something somewhere else until it inevitably starts raining there too.

It rains the most in tropical regions, and least on Death Mountain, so hanging out with the Gorons will help you evade those annoying raindrops.

Do you love the concept of defending your home from invaders? If so, you might be part of a long history of human people. Congratulations!

Minecraft Fortress is a map which can be played alone in frustrating solitude, or with three to five players, if you can rope that many people into your favorite past time all at once. The map allows you to upgrade your gear, gain levels, cast spells and build barriers, all in the service of protecting your towering home from the hordes of hostile mobs which come in near endless waves to destroy all you love and hold dear.

Download Minecraft Fortress Defense here!